Day 310-November 6, 2014

I am so tired and stressed and my depression is peaking its evil little head. I just want to be at home in bed with the covers over my head. I have been trying to get orders with my MK and having no luck. I was talking to hubby last night and while he is supporting me being with MK he still wants me to do my craft business. And that would be fine but I have nowhere to work where it will not disturb everyone else in the house. I can do my plastic canvas and that not bother anyone but my sewing machine is loud. I need my own office/craft room. I want to do my crafts but I like feeling like I am a part of something. I am just tired all together. I am over getting fussed at because of something someone else does. I am tired of not even making it paycheck to paycheck. Hubby got a job offer but has not been able to start the job yet so it is still leaving just me. Everything lies on my shoulders and I can't deal with. it. I want things too. I am tired of having to be the responsible one and having to put my dreams on the back burner so that he can live his. I told him last night I didn't know what to do. I told him that I didn't want to work for someone else the rest of my life but that I was just going to give up. I told him I would stop selling MK if I didn't get anymore orders by the end of the month. I told him that I would quit my craft business too if I didn't get any orders. I can't do this anymore. I want to be a sahm but that is not an option for me. It would be if he were working full time (even still umpiring with it) but that is not going to happen. I am the one yet again that has to give up everything to take care of my responsibilities. When will it be my turn to be happy? What did I do to make God hate me so much that I have to live this crappy life? I love hubby and my kids but I can't do this anymore.